I wasn't a drinker until I was.
I didn't drink in college. I started college at 16 and also had to work. I looked too young, was too young, and had too much to do. I had to care for my youngest sister. I had to keep up my grades. I didn't drink at 21. I had a beer or wine maybe 2 or 3 times a year.
Then I hit my mid-20s...
My grandmother suddenly became very sick and passed within 3 months. That meant my Mother no longer had anyone keeping her in line and she started to spiral. I was over worked doing two jobs to send money home to support my siblings. Several friends died weeks later. I started my first period where I binged. I eventually got I back together.
Then the next major hit. One of my closest friends, a guy who called me brother, lost his fight with depression and committed suicide. The sudden and horrific loss knocked me on my ass. Worse yet, I now had found a drinking buddy in my boyfriend. I didn't get out of that binge, I just ebbed in it for years before leveling out.
I got back to center. I've always had anxiety but over the at 10 years I've somehow gotten worse, I'm sure the binging did not help.
Now I'm in the middle of another major wave of life. In less than 2 months I have become the caregiver of a 2 yo, my partner broke his ribs days later, a friend who was 9 months pregnant passed away suddenly along with her unborn daughter, leaving behind her 7 yo son. I've been sick all month. My two dogs, who I have had my entire adult life suddenly took a turn and I knew it was time to let them go.. and ice storms hit and I couldn't get them to the vet.. all I could do was make them as comfortable as possible for a week.. I gave in. I drank. When I ran out I passed out laying next to my dogs. When I woke up I drove to the lake and cried until someone knocked on my car and asked for a ride home from fishing. On the way home I slid off the road and crashed my car. I was hung over, tired, anxious, and came home knowing I would be none of these things if I had just not drank and tried to go to sleep. If I had asked for help from someone other than a 6 pack. The next day I had to go to the doctor, and my lungs were bleeding from coughing and my heart was straining from the stress. I had markers that I had had a minor heart attack.
I don't want to go back down that rabbit hole. I am determined not to let this pull me back and ruin my relationship with my partner, my step daughter, or create a bad enviroment for my loved ones, especially the little one who now looks to me to be a good caregiver. I don't want to ruin my health.
I know that for me, I cannot drink when my life is in chaos. It is far too easy to slip into one after another to treat the anxiety for me. While I am fine when everything is fine, my personality, my inclinations, my anxiety, do not make it possible for me to drink when life is like this.
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I wasn't a drinker until I was.
Everytime I think I have escaped you I allow you back only to destroy the things I hold most dear. I allow you to control my actions and my my mind nor heart. My actions then cause incredible harm to my relationships with the peple I love most. It destroys my sense of wellbeing, undoes my progress, and leaves me alone and in pain. I have no use for you. I want you out of my life for good this time. Do no visit. Do not call. You are my most abusive relationship and this ends now.
I am here because I have tried doing it alone and relapsed many times. The first time I have a drink it quickly escalates and I binge. It has been the way I cope with stress for too long and only causes me to hurt the people I love most and myself. I have to do things differently to stop permanently. I am reaching out to all resources.