Day 1 I suppose.. I didnt drink for about 2-3 months until halloween i had a few drinks and felt okay so i decided i could possibly start to drink again just in moderation which was going well until a couple days ago when i flew home for the holidays. I saw some friends that i havent seen in a long time aswell as an old friend whom i found out was diagnosed with cancer. I hadnt eaten almost all day because i took a red eye flight and my schedule was just generally messed up from my lack of sleep along with my jet lag. i ended up getting a drink with my friend where we were supposed to meet my family to have dinner with but something came up and they couldnt make it which messed me up even more because i then forgot to eat at all. i only had about 3 drinks after that but i hadnt eaten and i was so tired and exhausted the alcohol just really got the best of me and as per usual i got sad and more this time especially because of certain unusual circumstances. After drinking a few drinks with my friends and crying in the bar I ended up getting food with a friend and was okay and just fell asleep on her couch as soon as i got home. in the mists of all of this i didnt text my boyfriend back because i was so caught up and busy with being back and seeing my family and then by the time i wanted to reach out to talk to him i knew i was drunk and i didnt want to be a bother to him and i knew he would be disappointed in me and i wouldnt beable to have a truly coherent conversion with him - which in hindsight was dumb and i shouldve just told him what was happening but i just really didnt want to let him down aswell as myself anymore than i already felt as i have a history with suicidal thoughts and actions when intoxicated. I knew i just had to eat and then sleep. i slept in the next day nearly all day from feeling so horrible and didnt text him back for awhile because of that, accidentally worrying him aswell as my mother and friend on my well being. i wanted so badly to tell him that i had drank but he seemed to be worried that i had done something unfaithful and i really didnt and i just felt so sick and intoxicated still that i couldnt handle the disappointment that i knew was going to come from him since he is over a year sober and never relapsed which is so amazing and honestly his opinion means the world to me because i look up to him so much for how he quick he turned his life around a year ago and i just felt so disappointed and disgusted in myself. I felt like a failure and at this point i really just needed support.. he didnt talk to me for awhile which seemed to me to be on purpose (I could be wrong but dont blame him if it was) until i called him today and told him everything because i really needed to come clean and i needed some support and help and just wanted to talk to my boyfriend and maybe feel loved and reassured and supported when i was feeling so vulnerable and felt he was the only one that would understand where im coming from or beable to help talk me through this since i dont have anyone else who is close to me and sober. he says hes not upset with me but i can feel in his voice that hes just done with me being like this and so am I. I cant believe i fucked it all up over one night and im so disappointed in myself and am so sorry for my friends and family that i did this but most of all myself. i need to stop ruining things for myself and causing problems and i just really want to get better. i know i made progress for me just not drinking for the tome that i did and when i did drink limiting it but i know that i can do even better i just need help. Which is why im here. I cant live like this and im finally ready to say that i need help and am ready to truly accept that. I need to turn this around and i tried to do it myself and it just didnt work out so now here i am putting myself out there truly ready for a change and open to help.
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