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It’s okay if the holidays are hard. We hear you. And we're here for you 💚

Join us for one (or both!) of our Thanksgiving support-groups: Getting Through Today Without Drinking. 

RSVP: 11:00 AM EST

RSVP: 8:00 PM EST

We're working on the ultimate guide to navigating the holidays without (or with less) alcohol. 

Let us know your questions by commenting below ⬇️ and we'll have our experts share their best tips & tricks. We're in this together. 

In addition to community support, friends and family can play a really important role as you change your relationship with alcohol. And we want to be there for them so they can be there for you. Starting this month, we're adding resources and support groups  for friends & family of Monument members. 

Starting on Tuesday, November 3rd at 8:00 PM EST, join friends and family of people navigating sobriety or moderation to discuss how to support yourself and your loved one. 

Camera on or off, bring yourself exactly as you are. 💚

Click here to sign up!

We'll be here every step of the way. We're here for you.🌷

By: Celeste Yvonne, writer and host for the Sober Mom Squad 

When I first quit drinking, I didn’t know what the plan was long-term. Was I taking a temporary break? Would this actually stick? Did I just have my last drink...ever? 

But here’s what I did know about myself: moderation did not work, because I never wanted to stop at just one drink.

I also knew that alcohol use disorder ran in my family and that my average 3-4 glasses of wine per night were way over the lines of ‘healthy’ for me. Parenting two small children with a vicious hangover was perhaps the most miserable, self-inflicting pain I have ever encountered. So, I quit. I woke up one morning with a pounding headache and a weak stomach determined never to experience another hangover for the rest of my life. 

I read books on unhealthy drinking, such as the Big Book and This Naked Mind Controls Alcohol. And I worked with a therapist on understanding the framework of my aching desire to numb out every night. 

Those first few weeks were difficult, but as long as I could control my environment and my schedule, I knew what to do to physically stay away from alcohol. If there wasn’t alcohol in the house, I couldn’t drink at home and around my kids. Perhaps the most challenging part was navigating the experiences I could not control -- mainly, social gatherings and the cultural norm of drinking. Weddings, funerals, book clubs, even moms sidelined at the Sunday afternoon soccer game are known to break out some bubbly or sneak cocktails in their tumblers. Alcohol is everywhere, and to be social in this world often means to be surrounded by alcohol. 

I remember so clearly a play date at another mom’s house, back when I was still early in my sobriety. Almost the moment I stepped through the front door, the mom giggled, “Mimosa time!” And my body froze. I did not know how to handle that. Yes, we can plan, we can engineer, and we can practice, but when it comes to social functions, things can frequently feel out of our control. We don’t have power over others. The good news is, we can control how we show up. So, alas, now nearly three years sober, here’s how I socialize wine-free. 

Always bring a fun drink. 

I’ve become known for bringing a unique non-alcoholic drink with me to parties now. Honestly, I just add it to the party cooler and share it with anyone else who might be interested. Spoiler alert: someone always wants to join the alcohol-free party. Sometimes people are just looking for an invitation to abstain, and a companion to do it with.  My go-to drink? Soda water with a splash of flavored vinegar. 

Check out Monument’s Delish AF for some fun non-alcoholic cocktail ideas. 

Look for the other non-drinkers in the room. 

There is a misconception when you’re drinking that everyone else is drinking too. When you start to look more closely, however, you will quickly recognize that there are almost always a few non-drinkers mingling (and having a great time, I should add). I frequently feel drawn towards those folks, and we have great conversations -- without the cacophony of slurring that most social drinking elicits. Making more meaningful connections is a huge benefit of sobriety. 

Put your own needs first. 

I have learned that the importance of my sobriety trumps any sense of obligation or pressure. Whether it’s Christmas day or a dear friend’s wedding, if I ever feel triggered or unsteady, I give myself permission to leave. Full, unequivocal validation that my needs are important. If that means going home, so be it. If the people in your life are advocates for your wellbeing, they will understand. And moreover, they will actively support you. I’ve never regretted prioritizing my needs.

The freedom of sobriety is the most empowering gift I’ve ever given myself. However, it’s not always easy. As humans, we are socially structured and need to coexist in a world where most people drink. Being alcohol-free can feel ostracizing at times. You may wonder if you will ever feel comfortable in your own skin again, let alone going out to a party or a football game. But I can promise you that with time and practice, you too can enjoy the social engagement of life as you once did. And the best part is you will remember what you did and said the next morning, too. 

And that is something to celebrate. 

Bio: Celeste Yvonne is a popular writer and personality whose writing resonates with mothers everywhere, and she speaks with a candor and honesty that is unusual in this world of filters. In 2018, Celeste openly spoke about her struggles with alcohol, and announced her commitment to becoming a sober mom for the sake of her health and her family. She has written for the Washington Post, Huffington Post, and many more. Follow her on Instagram, Facebook, or her website.

By: Mark Zauss, BC-TMC, NCC, CCMHC, LMHC, and therapist on the Monument platform

The election is fast-approaching, which can naturally cause anxiety given the uncertainty it brings. Take a moment and ask yourself, how am I doing? On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your anxiety level in the past few weeks? For many, that number is higher than they’d like it to be, and it’s understandable. We’re living in an unpredictable time, and with that comes fear. We’re also living amidst a lot of tragedy, which can result in trauma and grieving. Wherever your feelings are coming from, they are valid, and you are not alone. You are not alone in feeling anxious, and you are not alone if you want to drink. The good news is you don’t have to. By learning about why this anxiety exists, we can practice ways to manage it without alcohol. 

Why you’re feeling anxious and want to drink 

The collateral damage from the pandemic has had severe implications for people’s mental health. Alcohol use has increased significantly since the start of the pandemic because healthy and familiar coping mechanisms no longer feel sufficient or accessible. 

Election-related anxiety can have a similar effect: we’re left feeling helpless, and our healthy coping mechanisms don’t seem to do the trick for this unique brand of stress. 

Let’s break it down physiologically. When anxious thoughts occur, they trigger a gland inside the brain called the hypothalamus. This is known as the "fight or flight" gland. If you have ever watched a horror movie, you may have noticed yourself getting nervous about the person in the film. That's because the hypothalamus can’t tell if you are in the film or watching it. Your hypothalamus cannot discern reality and perceived reality. In turn, our bodies release adrenaline and trigger a stress response. It’s completely normal to feel the urge to drink to self-soothe the stress. However, if you continue to drink to cope with stress, the hypothalamus gland ‘learns’ that you need alcohol to manage stress, which creates dependency. And then it feels even harder to manage stress without it. 

Similar to that movie, real-life election suspense, and the possibility of what’s on the other side, can create anxiety that feels inescapable. It can be tempting to fall into the cycle of dependency and escapism, but there are healthier coping mechanisms that will help you keep that anxiety at bay. 

How to manage election-related stress 

In the case of pre-election anxiety, limiting political media consumption can be incredibly effective for calming our fight-or-flight instincts that could lead to a drink. And I know, turn off the TV may seem like an obvious answer. Here are five alternatives.

Give yourself a boundary. 

Media is everywhere, and it can be hard to make a clean break and delete your Twitter account or unplug your cable box. Sometimes, the most efficient methods for conquering habits (whatever they may be), is to set realistic boundaries for yourself. For example, I can only watch the news with a friend/partner or I can only go on such-and-such website one day per week. You have the power to flip the channel, even for an evening, and you don’t have to do it alone. This can help you create a balance between staying informed, and managing the stress that can come along with it. 

Find engaging content alternatives to balance your schedule.

After you’ve set your boundaries, find healthier alternatives. For example, if you’ve decided to only watch the news when with your partner, you can seek out entertainment content in your free time. Binge-watching something other than political media -- ideally, fictional television can be a feel-good alternative to the news (and doesn’t leave you with an emotional hangover). Options like cooking shows can also inspire offline activities -- like preparing a new meal -- and create a productive distraction. 

And if you’re feeling the urge to drink, you can always join a virtual therapist-moderated support group or sign up for alcohol therapy with a therapist specialized in helping people change their relationship with alcohol. I moderate “Navigating relationship challenges while managing your drinking,” “Moderation in the time of Coronavirus,” and “Navigating sobriety or moderation for men.” I’m always impressed and inspired by the supportive environment, and actionable tips shared by our members. 

Shake and stir an alcohol-free beverage. 

Say you do keep the news on -- that is completely understandable. The next step here is to detach election content consumption from the ritual of alcohol consumption. When you’re craving a drink, consider reaching for an alcohol-free cocktail instead. The brain can identify the alternative drink as comparable reinforcement, without the potentially harmful outcomes of drinking alcohol. 

Need some inspiration? Check out Monument’s Delish AF for some fun non-alcoholic cocktail ideas. 

Focus on what you can control. 

If you keep the news on and are still feeling anxious, it can be helpful to channel that energy into action. Taking service-oriented action is a great way to fill time with non-alcohol-related activity, and replace those feelings of helplessness with feelings of productivity. Make sure you’re registered to vote. Encourage others to do so. Make calls, share information, or volunteer. Combating fear of the intangible with tangible action can serve both you and your community. 

Try, right now, to take one deep breath, and exhale.

Breathe in again through the mouth for eight seconds, hold it for four seconds, and exhale again -- through the nose -- for eight seconds. 

An anxiety cycle can quite literally be interrupted by breathing. Oxygen dilutes the number of neurotransmitters in the prefrontal cortex, where anxiety dwells. The reduction of neurotransmitters sends a message over to the hypothalamus: You are not in danger right now. This reset can create the clarity you need to focus on self-care and taking action. 

Of course, elections significantly impact our lives -- as both individuals and as a society at large. You have every right to feel anxious, particularly in the context of our current political climate. Whatever you are feeling is valid. 

I hope the above tips are helpful in interrupting cycles of anxiety and focusing on what’s in your control. You can do this. 

About Mark: Mark is a licensed mental health counselor in Florida with over 12 years of experience. He is a board-certified clinical mental health counselor by the NBCC – (National Board for Certified Counselors), a nationally certified counselor by the NBCC as well as a Board Certified Telehealth provider for online counseling. Mark is also a qualified supervisor. He graduated with honors from Rollins College which is recognized as one of the highest-rated colleges in the U.S. for mental health counseling. His specialties include treating anxiety and anxiety-related disorders, depression, bipolar disorder, fear of being in a public place, social anxiety, relationship issues, career problems, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and substance abuse and addiction issues. Mark also specializes in helping others cope with new and difficult situations while having to adjust to a new way of life-related to the pandemic.

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

By: Sabrina Spotorno, LSW, CASAC and therapist on the Monument platform

There are many ways that Alcohol Use Disorder (AUD) impacts family members beyond the person living with it, which is why the phrase “family disorder” is used frequently in the therapy world. Family members of folks with AUD are oftentimes assigned the role of rescuer or the rock to secure stability in the home. 

Within the family system, trust has typically been broken. For those who are supporting a loved one with AUD, feeling helpless is commonplace. Supporters may even question the validity of their emotional reactions, as they appear secondary to their loved one’s substance use cycle. There is often a tug of war at play: ‘I want to support them,’ and ‘I want to leave.’ 

We have to normalize getting support for those with AUD and for those in supporting roles, too. In opening up this dialogue, I hope that I can affirm that whatever your experience as a supporter looks like, it is completely valid. I also hope to give you the tools to begin your own recovery journey, because your pain and healing matters. Helping yourself and your loved one doesn’t have to be mutually exclusive. With awareness, compassion, and actionable tools, you’ll be able to better care for others, and better care for yourself. 

Reshaping the family dynamic

Therapists love alliteration, and I am no exception! I want to introduce a framework called the Three E’s. This framework helps build (or build back) resiliency at any stage of coping with a loved one’s disordered drinking cycle. Think, education, empowerment, and engagement. Let’s break it down.

Education 

It’s important to recognize that AUD is a medical condition. More specifically, AUD is a biopsychosocial disorder, which means biological, psychological, and social conditions interact to influence someone’s drinking behaviors. Drinking habits are not in any way related to someone’s moral compass. Relapse is not indicative of a lack of understanding that right is right and wrong is wrong. Relapse is not a matter of ethics. Relapse is not an indicator that they don’t care about you and your feelings. Understanding that your loved one is navigating a medical issue, and possibly co-occurring mental health conditions, can help reduce resentment and build compassion. 

Empowerment 

It can be empowering to hold yourself accountable for the actions you take to support a loved one in a recovery-based lifestyle, whether their goal is moderation or abstinence. Empowerment comes with showing up for yourself and others when you say you will, doing the internal work you’ve committed to, and being there for your loved one in the ways you’ve said you would be. I want to emphasize the importance of self-care, which many supporters overlook. 

Carve out separate time for you and the both of you. What reminders can you set out for yourself to make time for yourself? What actions can you and your loved one collaborate on to feel like you are a part of their network, but not their entire net? Your mental health is just as important as anyone else’s. Taking ownership over your wellbeing can bring genuine confidence, stability, and clarity to introduce into the family system. 

Lastly, Engagement 

Engagement doesn’t necessarily mean engaging with others in your family. Engagement can mean carving out a space for something that nourishes you, on your own. Building moments that ground us set us up for groundedness in the face of challenges. Think of it as practice. Remaining centered or calm in light of your loved one’s challenges doesn’t mean you’re denying the severity of their AUD. When grounded, you can more easily access and leverage your education and empowered self to make sound assessments and decisions. 

Remember, your needs matter. 

In any relationship, an ideal circumstance is one where we are comfortable sharing our needs and wants with the other person. However, in many family systems, I often see how codependence or avoidance can get in the way of that. Creating healthy boundaries is an important component of ensuring our needs are met.  

When you’re assessing how to set healthy boundaries, it can be challenging if you don’t have a firm understanding of your own needs. When we understand our needs we can better articulate them to others without fear. I suggest identifying needs and boundaries based on the eight dimensions of wellness: social, emotional, intellectual, physical, spiritual, vocational, financial, and environmental wellness. 

After reading about the categories, answer the following questions for each dimension:

1. What is something I can do personally in this dimension?
2. What is something my partner/child/sibling/parent can do in this dimension?
3. What is it that we can do together to help each other?

This exercise works to separate the “me, you, and us” in relationships. The goal here is to build your sense of autonomy as a person and family member while acknowledging the space for your loved one to build theirs as well.

If you’ve taken on the responsibility of supporting a loved one navigating alcohol use disorder, that can be a lot of weight to carry. For today, I encourage you to take a moment, think about what you need, and give it to yourself -- maybe that's your favorite meal or a rom-com or a run. You deserve autonomy, self-care, and empathy. And you are not alone in this. 

If you have any specific questions you’d like me to address about supporting a loved one with AUD, I encourage you to post in the Community. We’re here to listen, and we’re here to support you. 

I am Sabrina Spotorno, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) and Credentialed Alcoholism and Substance Abuse Counselor (CASAC), ready to help you see just how capable you are of making long-lasting recovery-focused changes in your life. Graduating summa cum laude from Adelphi University, I had a generalist education with training in several modalities, including Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy, Compassion Focused Therapy, Systemic Family Therapy, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, and Narrative Therapy.  I am always interested in learning new approaches to meeting clients’ needs, with a recent study in Liberation Based Healing and Collaborative Proactive Solutions.   

Having worked in several outpatient substance use and mental health clinics, I am excited to see how virtual therapy will break barriers for clients to get the care they need in the most accessible ways possible.  I value adapting to the client's changing needs.  I am a strong believer in integrative approaches since recovery is not a one-size-fits-all experience.  I have a passion for empowering clients to recognize their strengths amidst their life transitions to increase their sense of efficacy to align their actions with their beliefs and dreams. 

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

By: Team Monument

Many of our community members describe feelings of depression around the time when their drinking habits became unhealthy. Others share that once they quit drinking (or started drinking less), their depression appeared to get worse. There’s a cycle at play here: depression is a common driver of unhealthy drinking habits, and alcohol often intensifies depression. 

In short, we can’t talk about alcohol without talking about depression. And vice versa!

Navigating depression and unhealthy drinking can be incredibly challenging, and no one expects you to do it alone. Both are medical conditions that can be treated with the appropriate care. And understanding the connection between the two is an important step.

How depression and unhealthy drinking interact 

We spoke with Monument Advisor Laura Diamond, the Counseling Supervisor of the dual-diagnosis inpatient detox and rehabilitation unit at The Addiction Institute of Mount Sinai West Hospital, about what a dual diagnosis of alcohol use disorder (AUD)  and depression looks like, why it’s so common, and how to treat both medical conditions. 

Laura explained that patients with a dual diagnosis of AUD and depression often suffer from a combination of negative self-talk and unsuccessful efforts to decrease their drinking. And with each unsuccessful attempt, combined with increased alcohol tolerance and withdrawal symptoms -- shame, guilt, and a loss of pleasure can become paramount. 

“Many individuals with symptoms of depression are drawn to the temporary calming effects of alcohol and use it to ‘soothe,’ helping to distract from symptoms of depression,” Laura explains. “AUD frequently impacts every aspect of an individual’s life, and as negative consequences increase secondary to alcohol use (such as interpersonal stressors and career consequences), their depression worsens.”

And while there is no one-size-fits-all image of someone living with a dual diagnosis of AUD and depression,  Laura affirms that in her professional experience, she has seen more individuals develop AUD after showing signs of depression. Many folks with alcohol use disorder (and even those without) perceive alcohol as an instant stress reliever. Yet alcohol is actually medically characterized as a depressant -- the antithesis of relief. 

Laura broke it down like this: “While alcohol can feel like it is temporarily relieving or reducing stress, it can ultimately lead to an increase in symptoms of depression. Alcohol is a depressant that alters your brain’s natural levels of neurotransmitters, which transmit chemical signals throughout the body and play a big part in regulating thought processes, behavior, and emotion.”

Drinking might act as a temporary crutch, but its impacts on healing from depression can endure much longer. Laura shared that alcohol can actually hinder individuals from developing new, healthy coping skills. 

The good news is, depression and alcohol use disorder can be addressed and treated.  

Here’s what we can do instead

We understand that alcohol can feel like the only option. Perhaps you believe it’s been keeping you afloat, or maybe it’s felt like a companion. Dismantling and rebuilding your toolbox of coping skills can take time. Still, it is absolutely possible with access to online alcohol treatment and supportive resources, whether that’s a specialized therapy program, physician care, online support groups, or all of the above. 

And with the support of a therapist, Laura advises teasing the two diagnoses of AUD and depression apart so that both can be honored and addressed equally. One impacts the other, so by confronting both, we can intercept the cycle. Before we can identify alternative coping mechanisms, we need to identify what we are trying to escape through drinking. 

While challenging, confronting uncomfortable feelings can give you so much more out of your life.  In Laura’s words, “if an individual immediately uses alcohol when experiencing a negative emotion, they miss an opportunity to learn and practice more positive coping skills, which leads to increased health and happiness in the future.” You deserve health and happiness, and it’s within reach. 

If you’re interested in exploring specialized therapy to change your drinking and build healthier coping mechanisms, check out Total Care treatment plans. If you’re still exploring your options and assessing your relationship with alcohol, RSVP for our free, therapist-moderated support groups to hear from others. We’d be honored to have you. 

Disclaimer: Our articles and resources do not constitute clinical or licensed therapy or other health care services. If you need counseling or therapy services please contact a licensed provider. If this is a medical emergency, call 911.

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How To Psychologically Distance Yourself From Alcohol…And People

By Sabrina Spotorno, LCSW-CASAC, therapist on the Monument platform

Our relationship with alcohol isn’t so different from our relationship with people. It’s complex, unique, and always evolving. One sign of an unhealthy relationship to anything or anyone is when our personal needs become secondary to the needs of something or someone else. 

When a relationship that once brought us joy exhibits signs of abuse, heartache, and self-doubt, it’s safe to say it’s no longer serving us in the way that it needs to. Okay, so now what? When my patients describe unhealthy relationships with substances or people, I recommend they take steps towards what’s called psychological distancing. Here’s how. 

Psychological Distancing 101 

Psychological Distancing is a concept in developmental psychology. It focuses on building self-awareness in order to establish a sense of autonomy from our surroundings and leave room for personal growth. 

While we are all in some way attached to the people, places, and things around us, it is how deeply attached we are that can alter our self-confidence and sense of self. We naturally possess a sense of what we need to live our fullest lives, but certain circumstances, relationships, and various forms of trauma can condition us to believe otherwise. The relationships we form to these people, experiences, and substances is what we call a narcissistic bond. Here’s how to break these bonds and get closer to our ideal selves. 

Create new adventures 

One of the most straightforward ways to break a narcissistic bond is to create new experiences. Go for that nature walk, enroll in a masterclass, watch a new TV series, join a new social group like the support groups we offer at Monument.

You don’t need to travel to all ends of the earth for adventure to unfold. 

Adventure can feel nonexistent in narcissistic relationships because what becomes your sole purpose is fueling the ego of the narcissist, or in the case of alcohol, dedicating all of your thoughts and time to drinking. It is as if there is one channel playing at all times. The good news is, you have the power to change it. Even the act of planning to do something outside of your routine can be healing. Engaging in new relationships, hobbies, and experiences outside of that unhealthy bond is an incredibly effective tool in creating necessary distance.  

Understand your boundaries 

In narcissistic bonds, we’re conditioned to feel that we’re nothing without the person or substance we’re bonded to. In reality, boundaries and independence are a necessary part of any healthy relationship.

In the case of alcohol, creating boundaries often means examining your relationship with drinking, and building coping mechanisms to create the distance that’s right for you. I wrote this piece to help you better understand what amount of distance, whether that means moderation or sobriety, will empower you to live your fullest life. 

Therapy can be a really effective tool to build those coping mechanisms and create that distance. Therapy provides a platform to work on modifying self-destructive behaviors, obtaining healthier coping responses, building relapse prevention skills, establishing boundaries, improving communication skills, and increasing self-efficacy. If you’re interested in therapy, I encourage you to check out Monument’s personalized treatment options. 

In relationships with other people, you can also work out boundary setting with the support of a therapist. Monument also offers a free therapist-moderated support group about navigating relationship challenges while managing your drinking. 

And finally, it’s important to understand that sometimes boundaries aren’t enough. In relationships with narcissists, their suffering often plays out in a projection. They often see your emotions as weaknesses because that is how they view their own. And your emotions are valid and deserve to be recognized. Enter: accepting the end of unhealthy relationships. 

Radically accept things as they are -- not as we wish them to be

Sometimes, the reality is that there is no way to keep a person, place, or thing in our lives in a healthy way. Whether that means you explored moderating your drinking, and decide sobriety is best for you, or are in a relationship with another person that is stripping you of confidence and joy. Accepting that you need to end that relationship may initially feel like failure.  

It’s common to mistake acceptance with defeat. Acceptance isn’t throwing in the towel. So let’s look at the difference: The major distinction between acceptance and defeat is what brings you freedom. Acceptance gives back the freedom to move on from the narcissistic bond, and seek closure. You are able to respectfully back away from an unhealthy attachment and begin healing. I tell my patients to think of acceptance as an act of self-love.  

Be aware of where you get validation

Regardless of where you are in your healing process, it can be hard to let go of the feeling that your character is built on others’ perceptions of you, and past behaviors. It’s crucial to be mindful of this. Otherwise, we risk filling any gaps of validation with substances. 

So, ask yourself, what do I genuinely appreciate about myself regardless of what anyone has to say? Even the people whose opinions matter the most to me? Answer this question, write it down, and say it out loud a few times a day. Eventually, with practice, you’ll become your default source of approval. You won’t need validation from others or seek relief from alcohol. The narcissistic bond will break and you’ll step into the empowered, liberated individual that you are. 

About Me: Sabrina Spotorno, LCSW, I am a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with an affinity for working with children, adolescents, individuals, and families. Graduating summa cum laude from Adelphi University, I had a generalist education with training in several modalities, including Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Narrative Therapy. With an integrative approach to ensure the most individualized treatment for my clients, I have worked to “meet clients where they are at.” I have had experience in several outpatient mental health clinics as well as on interdisciplinary teams. I value adapting with client’s changing needs. I have a passion for empowering clients to recognize their strengths amidst their life transitions to optimize their sense of efficacy and alignment of their actions with their beliefs and dreams.

By: Latiana Blue, Founder of OFFICE HRS

We respond to the conditions of our home environment. If it’s cozy and clean, we wake up feeling less stressed. If it’s out of order, we’re more likely to feel imbalanced and disconnected.

During recovery, living with roommates or loved ones who drink at home may cause you to isolate or feel out of control. That’s what slowly happened to me. In this situation, after the overwhelm became too great, I decided to address these concerns with my roommates.

I experienced a rush of anxiety before and during this conversation. In retrospect, a long talk with myself would have helped me initiate this discussion with a greater sense of ease and confidence.

Navigating sobriety or moderation is a great time to embrace what might feel uncomfortable. Whether the scenario has already created instability, or if you’re confronting the issue early-on, I created the following exercises to help clear your head, establish your needs, and have a firmer conversation than the one that I experienced. Here’s how you can set boundaries with yourself and with others in order to stay healthy and alcohol-free in the long-term.

Create your personal boundaries

When facing a potentially difficult conversation, your mind may start to focus on what could go wrong, or what words could be misunderstood. Suddenly, the problem feels larger, and the anxiety settles in — all before the conversation even takes place.

Before discussing any adjustments you’d like to see at home, it’s important to clarify your needs to yourself. This will help guide the conversation, and you’ll have a clearer sense of what compromises may or may not work for you.

Jennifer Chesak, a Healthline writer, explains, “The word ‘boundary’ can be a bit misleading. It conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules for navigating relationships, intimate or professional.”

Here’s a list of fill-in statements to help you visualize your ideal home environment. The goal of this exercise is to encourage a solution-oriented approach to advocating for yourself, and set yourself up to clearly communicate your needs.

1. I would feel _________ if there was less alcohol in our home.
2. When I see alcohol at home, I feel like _________.
3. When there’s less or no alcohol at home, I feel _________.
4. I need more _________ in order to feel supported and comfortable in our home.
5. What if we created a system where _________ if alcohol is entering the space?
6. When alcohol is in our space, I’d like it if _________.
7. I need _________ days/hours/minutes to self-regulate before alcohol enters the home.
8. When feeling triggered to drink, I need _________ days/hours/minutes to regain control.
9. When feeling triggered by alcohol, I positively/negatively respond by _________.
10. I value a home that feels more _________ and less _________.

Communicate those boundaries

Now it’s time to have the conversation. When you practice having difficult conversations ahead of time, you can help reduce anxiety in the moment. With repetition, you’ll memorize what needs to be said before walking away.

When practicing, it’s often effective to come up with questions you can ask in real-time. If you need some assistance, I’ve included 10 samples for you below. Edit for context and to suit your voice!

1. Have you ever lived with someone who doesn’t drink ?
2. If you have, what systems, if any, were created to make sure everyone felt comfortable?
3. If not, have you had any personal relationships with someone who doesn’t drink ?
4. After hearing me out — and thanks for listening — what’s a compromise that might work well for everyone right now?
5. When alcohol will be brought home, what system can we create to communicate that in advance?
6. Going forward, how often do you think alcohol might be brought home?
7. In general, what influences you to want alcohol in the home?
8. How might everyone be affected by having less or no alcohol at home?
9. Would you like to know anything specific about how alcohol affects me?
10. How do you feel about communicating more often about alcohol use in the home?

With a little practice, you will approach this conversation with less tension, which means you’re more likely to reach the desired result without conflict. Let me know your favorite fill-ins or questions in the comments!

About the Author: Latiana Blue enjoys solving any problem with a creative solution. She’s also the founder of OFFICE HRS, an alcohol-free community for Black folks everywhere. Through OFFICE HRS, she’s working toward her big vision: a world where dry communal spaces are a normal way to celebrate, build community, and hold critical conversations. Latiana has been alcohol-free for over two years. Follow OFFICE HRS on Instagram and her new personal account @heylatiana.

By: Matt Maraynes

I’m sitting about twenty feet from some beer. What might be inconsequential to the average person is, for someone who has struggled with alcohol abuse like me, like being in the lion’s den. Drinking poses a serious risk to my wellbeing, and being around alcohol ignites one of the most unpleasant psychological states someone like me can endure: craving. When cravings to drink flare up, it can feel like my mind has been covered with metaphorical poison ivy. It burns interminably, but it’s essential that I don’t give in. And I won’t. But how?

Sometimes there’s an overt cause for craving, like the smell of whiskey and beer wafting out of a bar, or a character in a movie unwinding with a glass of wine. Often, though, there isn’t a tangible trigger other than my own inner world and its host of usual suspects — restlessness, anxiety, boredom, and loneliness, to name a few. It’s emotional pain, and I want that pain gone as swiftly as possible. One brief thought of drinking quickly multiplies. Every cell in my body anticipates how a drink will extinguish the inner torment with exceptionally swift efficacy. That is, of course, until it inevitably makes things worse. So, here’s how I crush the craving.

I remember why I don’t drink

Acknowledging the likelihood that I will regret drinking can be a strong deterrent. If you have made a conscious decision to change your relationship with alcohol, then surely your drinking leads to unwanted consequences. How many more times do I want to have a talk with my parents about why I drove drunk, or review a slew of ill-advised text messages from the night before? How many more exorbitant bar receipts do I want to find crumpled and buried in coat pockets? Can I remember that alcohol always (always) exacerbates my depression and leaves me feeling worse than I did before I picked up the bottle? 

Someone with longer sobriety than I put it best when he told me that he never woke up after a night of drinking and felt glad that he had done it. Though it can be painful, remembering those regrets is a powerful tool in my ‘I won’t drink today’ toolkit.

I stay busy

Distraction is also crucial. I like to write, and always have a journal within reach. When the cravings descend, I write about my experience, how discontented I feel, and how badly I want to drink. I don’t sugarcoat my feelings or try to run from them. Often I just write the same word over and over again (like “Wait,” or “Don’t”). It doesn’t really matter what I write; the pages fill, and I don’t drink.

Going for a walk, a run, or bike ride works well; a change of scenery is often enough to recontextualize your desire. You could attend a support group, or call a friend who understands what you’re going through. Take a class, or take up a hobby. Play a game. Volunteer and listen to music. Nap. Watch a movie, clean your apartment, and read. If you’re able to and interested, attend therapy. Drink some tea and chug water. Lots of water. Journal about your cravings, write out how you feel. Cook yourself a healthy meal, or indulge in some sweets. Search the internet for tips on how to manage cravings (and wind up here!); I always find a sense of catharsis and camaraderie in knowing how many other people are on this journey with me. 

Chew gum and hug a loved one. Hug a stranger. Hug yourself. I imagine you get the point: when in the throes of a craving, there is a near-infinite array of activities and exercises you can dive into instead of drinking. Plan these for your “witching hour” when cravings usually sink in. Get ahead of the cravings. You are more powerful than them.

I give myself a important reminder

While a full schedule can be incredibly helpful in warding off cravings, it doesn’t always do the trick. And the reality of managing cravings is that there’s no silver bullet. Cravings can feel like moving targets or viruses that evolve and adapt in step with your growth, with no permanent vaccine.

Here’s the important reminder: this too shall pass.

When it comes to cravings, the common denominator to all of this advice is the experience of passing time, of waiting. Cravings come in waves and in the end, they are just feelings like any others. Start by waiting for one second, just one, and then give yourself another. Count if you have to, like you’re counting sheep. No matter what you’re doing instead of drinking, even if you’re lying on the floor staring at the ceiling, that second will become minutes, and minutes will become an hour. Sooner than you think, the waves will subside. Time suffocates cravings.

I was craving alcohol when I started writing this article. I took my own advice, for sure, but when push came to shove, I simply had to wait and weather the storm’s waves. I wrote, did something that turned me away from the craving long enough for it to pass. And when the waves went flat, as they always do, I was left standing alone with the most beautiful view. I’d describe it for you, but words wouldn’t really do it justice. If you’re struggling with a craving, give it some time. You’ll see for yourself.

Matt Maraynes is a New York City-based writer and filmmaker. He is also in recovery, and hopes that sharing his story will help others feel a little less alone as they work to cultivate meaningful lives without alcohol. His personal work can be found at mattmaraynes.com