I have decided to take a vow of sobriety everyday for someone or something I love and for me of course. Today's vow is for me and my beautiful grandson.
Today 12/19/2020's vow of sobriety is for you, my dear Avery. Many years ago, your Grammy quit drinking to raise her son, your father. I loved him so much I could not let him live with the dysfunction that comes when a family member drinks as I was raised.
See, I was a confused, lonely teenager making some very grown-up decisions. I did not realize life held so much more and could not see past the veil of irrational teenage single-mindedness. Time seemed to move excruciatingly slow versus my race to grow-up.
I was young, bored, and anxious for life to start. For anything to happen, really. Alcohol seemed to do the job. All the grown-ups drank; it seemed. That's what I wanted, wasn't it to be grown-up?
My teenage mind raced between what I thought was all-knowing indifference to life, complete confusion, and delusions of grandeur. The intoxication of even the smallest amount of freedom was overwhelming.
I was not ready to be independent. Still, I pushed everyone away in search of liberation. As I did, I drank more and more. I was searching for that ever-elusive deliverance from perceived teenage oppression.
This indulgence sparked an unceasing feeling of bleak loneliness and rejected separation. And yet, I felt I had captured all there was to know, I was right, that-was-that and I could make my own decisions; thank you very much, world.
My stubborn melancholy hormonal mind was conditioning me to believe that happiness and fun came from a bottle. Joy was not something that I was personally responsible. So, the poor choices and my unfortunate decision making continued.
My struggle for independence achieved nothing but to create a frightened and empty place in my heart. It was no place to make far-reaching, mature decisions. Choices were made to prove I was right, grown-up, but many were made drunk and sadly were wrong.
Nevertheless, some decisions were remarkably life-changing, like choosing to have and raise your Dad. Stopping the cycle of drinking was the best decision that I could have ever made. As a teenage mom, I quit drinking to be able to nourish, support, and raise your Dad with love.
I did not want him to see me drinking or drunk all the time. And guess what? I started to love life, really enjoy life. I found it was not the alcohol at all. The sadness was inside me was from being raised by people who had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol themselves.
I just needed to chance to see that. I meet and married a wonderful man, your Poppie. Together we created a fantastic world in which to raise your Dad.
After your Dad went off to college and the house was empty, so were my days. The decision to drink again did not happen overnight. Instead, my drinking happened one-glass-at-a-time. Over the years, it has increasingly taken over my life yet again.
But not anymore, not today! Today is for you, Avery, my sweetheart. Today Avery, you will know a sober Grammy. Everything I will do today, to stay sober, I will do for you and me. I choose to live sober today, Avery.