I was never really a heavy drinker. I didn’t get to party much in college, I have no crazy blackout/drunk stories like most of my friends do. I started drinking more when I moved into an apartment in the city on my own. I didn’t have many friends, but I became close with the people that work at the bar across the street. So I would stop in there for company, but get a drink as well.

 Drinking soon became a daily thing. Mostly wine and most of the time I didn’t get drunk, but my tolerance was going wayyy up. I had a few instances where I had alcohol and it affected me in a totally different way and I would blackout without drinking much at all (don’t know why that happened), but it was affecting my relationships with partners, friends, and family.

 It got worse when quarantine started. I was alone in my apartment for months and basically just drank wine all day. Wasn’t chugging it, just sipping all day and then I would eventually fall asleep at night and it would start all over the next day. The loneliness and boredom are what got to me most. Laying in bed and watching tv is fun up to a point. So to make things feel more fun or to feel more relaxed, I wanted to drink. I had nothing else to look forward to aside from a glass of wine. 

Now that I am no longer isolated and have activities I can be doing, my old habits are still overpowering. I want to drink everyday. Especially when something stresses me out. I find myself getting cravings multiple times a day (usually later in the day/nighttime) and I don’t know how to stop them. My parents think I have a drinking problem and I think I may too, but I don’t want to say I am an alcoholic. I want to show myself and show them that I don’t need alcohol and that I can rid myself of these habits I got so used to for months. I need a support system though. I even drank  nasty salty cooking wine out of desperation because there is no alcohol in the house. Even took a swig of mouthwash. Right then, I knew that I needed help beyond my own sheer willpower. And I want to be held accountable and not harm my body any further.

 I’m scared I won’t be able to stop. But I know that mentality won’t help me right now. I just really hope I’m not too far gone. I want to be able to have a healthy relationship with alcohol again and not let it control me or my life. I know it will prevent me from pursuing my dreams and will destroy my relationship with my family.