First, thanks for being there and supporting me when I couldn’t do it on my own. As I’m writing this, I am 32 years old. You’ve been in my life since I was 15. Truly, my first love and completely toxic from the beginning. I had a hard time dealing with the pains of life and my teen brain couldn’t handle the adult problems in my life. So there you were to ease my loneliness. I’ve tried to quit you, moderate you, and avoid you, but you always slide back in as my boundaries are so weak to you. Any opportunity to have you and I can feel my body immediately relax and feel excited at the same time.
But then good feelings where off. You make me do and say things that embarrass me the next day. You’ve made me late to work. You’ve made me put the least effort into my work possible because I want to come home to you. You’ve made me sabotage relationships because you’ve always got to be first. You’ve made me miss family celebrations because you were more important. So many magical moments have been completely missed or distorted because you had to be the main character in my life. God forbid I star in my own life. Your needs have always come first and had to. How many moments of presence have I missed because you were on my mind? I can’t have you with out letting myself go.
So now, I’ve got to let you go. I’ve got to choose myself over you. Because I want to be happy and whole and you can’t let me be that. I want to be present each moment and feel magic moments without distortions. This is the hardest relationship I’ve ever given up. So I want to let go of you with gentleness. You were there for me and muted the world out when I needed it. But I want to go the rest of my journey with out you. I don’t need you to comfort me anymore. I have me now and I’ve got this.